Flowers For A Ghost
by drewsapaloosa
Summary: Eli tries to cope with the death of Julia, but is finding himself struggling. Rated T for swearing.


My eyes fleeted curiously, observing my room. I cocked my head upward and let my hair fall messily, blocking my focus. I sighed. I wasn't focusing lately, so why did it matter? I was just walking around school... like there was absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing bothering me. Nothing driving me to the edge. God, I felt fucking _crazy._ Do you know how that feels? _Crazy?_ All I can think about is her. It's my fault. I can't go to class. School. I can't sleep or eat... or talk. People think that something's wrong. Well, yes, there's something wrong. I thought I could cope... but I misunderstood who I am. I, in fact, am only human.

I begged for my body to move me from the edge of my bed to my desk. It took a bit of effort, but I did it. I slammed my body down on the chair facing this beat up, black old thing and rummaged through its drawers. Pens... papers... my misplaced bracelet and just regular things you'd find in a desk. And then, I hit my all time low. A picture of her. Clenching my fists, I stood up, throwing a punch deep into my wall. It made nothing but a noted dent and I scrunched my eyes in frustrating, still holding on to that fucking photo. I sat back down and tried to let my body relax. My muscles. My chest. My _breathing._ Biting my lip uncomfortably, I placed the photo down and took out a sheet of lined paper and an old pen running out of ink.

My fingers touched the smooth surface and the words fell from my mind, tumbling my hand. My handwriting was messy, but only I would read it, right?

Julia,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a mess. I'm sorry I got you involved in my mess. I'm sorry that I'm the one who gets to live with a smile. I don't want the smile. I don't want to live around here if I'm not to run into you... and your smile.

It was dark. I was upset, angry, actually. Frustrated. But not with you, never with you. I could never bring myself to be mad with you. I was mad at myself. I was just... stupid. I got worked up over nothing. It was just a stupid fight. You were right, and I was wrong. And I _know_ that. I argued with you for nothing. And for nothing I lost the most important thing in the world to me. You.

The worst thing is that I witnessed it... I caused it... and _you_ got hurt for me being an asshole. I hurt you Julia, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the charges were dropped. I'm sorry that I did this to you. And I'm sorry that it had to be like this.

But Julia, one day I'm hoping you can forgive me. Because I'm finding something in this world that makes me almost as happy as you did. And I think you would be happy for me. Her name is Clare. She goes to Degrassi. And yes, that's the school I go to now. I couldn't face those halls knowing what I did...

Clare is beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. And I hope that one day, I can forgive myself. Because I have a feeling that I'm the one who needs to do the forgiving.

Everyday I ride in my car, Julia, I think of you. Your pretty brown hair and your dark eyes. Your smooth lips and your cute little dimples. Everyday an image of you plays in the back of my mind. You thought my car was a little bit ridiculous, but you told me don't care about what other people think and be myself. I still ride Morty, you know. He misses you. I miss you. I can smell you when I sit still.

You still linger around. And maybe that's because you're watching over me. Julia, you don't need to watch over me. But I know that you still will. Because you always wanted what was best for me. _Always. Don't do this, don't do that, Elijah. _You scolded me, but I respected you so much, I couldn't let you down. Maybe that's why I get into so much shit lately. Because you're the only person I truly respected, ever. _Other than my mom..._

Did you know that you're the only person to call me Elijah? It was so special to me. You had no idea. I mean I'd never admit this out loud, and you know this, but it made me feel so lively and happy... like nothing would ever go wrong again, nothing could hurt me or you. I felt on top of the world.

And Julia, if you're really looking over me you'd find that by just writing this I've found myself feeling much closer to you. I feel like I've never felt before since the day I've met you. You'd realize that maybe I could try warming up to happiness. Because I know that you'd be proud to see me happy. And I am glad that you can forgive me for finding happiness in Clare. In my friends. In anything I do.

I forgive myself, too.

Forever Yours,

Elijah.

Sighing, I hung my head as I looked at the last letters scribbled neatly against the blue lines. Taking in a deep breath, my chest heaved up and down as I crossed my arms over my chest. I then stood up proudly from my chair and went searching through my room for an envelope. Finding an old used one I tore apart at Christmas, I tucked the letter to Julia deep inside the folds. Pacing, I wondered where to put it.

Where to put my goodbye to Julia.

I looked curiously to my closet and nodded to myself. Pulling open my old, rusty closet doors I reached up high and grabbed an old shoe box. Inside were torn apart photos of myself and Julia, just photos of her, her lucky pen and notes they had exchanged in math two years ago.

I dropped the envelope in and before placing the shoe box back into its former keeping place, I grabbed the photo I had just found in the desk, and put it side by side with the letter.

She would never receive it, she would never read it, but I knew that she was happy for me. Happy for us. Happy for the closure.


End file.
